After All This Time

 

After all this time….

I still snort when I laugh alot…

After all this time….

I still chew my nails…especially when watching a movie…

After all this time…

I still love to read erotic stories…used to steal my brothers Penthouse when I was a teen and read the Forum stories…smiles

After all this time…

I still loveeee to masterbate…imagine that??..lol

After all this time…

I like to be watched when I do….deep breath..shewww

After all this time…

I still like to sleep w/out panties…and I match my panties when I do wear them to my outfit as much as I can…

After all this time…

I love my hair messed with…have always loved going to the hairdresser…having it washed and combed…and now…even pulled…smiles

After all this time…

I hate to grocery shop…as a kid…even now…I am in..out..thats it..

After all this time…

I still love the Dallas Cowboys…thru thick or thin..dont care if I live in Wisconsin now…love the cowboys…evil laugh into the air…

After all this time…

I cry during sappy movies…heck I cried during the Terminator…even after seeing it like 37 times..lol

After all this time..

I leave my shoes everywhere…then can never find them…

After all this time…

I still get frightened in the dark…a little less now..but still..

After all this time…

When something goes wrong…I like to run away from it…but hey…I am learning…smiles

After all this time…

Every time my daughter smiles…or laughs..or just anything…my heart overflows with love…

After all this time…

I still love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches…

After all this time…

I never balance my checkbook…

After all this time…

I still love to shop….just not for groceries…lol

After all this time…

I hate to cook…even though my daughter thinks I make the best meat loaf ever…smiles

And tonight…as I headed out the door to work…and he kissed me goodbye…I smiled…having lived now up here in the frozen tundra for over a year…then even though all those things I just listed up there…even more if I really think about it…looking into his eyes…he still loves me….even…

After all this time…smiles

Before I was a Mom

Trick or treat tonight in my town….I had such a wonderful day….cant even imagine my life anymore…before I was a mom….

Before I Was A Mom

Author Unknown
Before I was a mom,

I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn’t worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.

I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn’t want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn’t stop the hurt.

I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn’t know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body.

I didn’t know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby. 
I didn’t know that bond
between a mother and her child.

I didn’t know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth, the joy,
the love, the heartache, the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.

I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom.

Happy Halloween…may it bring your life a smile or two..perhaps some laughter in your heart…

 

The Discovery

From 2007….when I began to realize….He was something more…much more…smiles..

 

The Discovery

She paced….back and forth through the house…her
mind flashing like a million different
lights…thoughts…images…and always the
voices….the one from the past….reminding her of
her insignificance…her worth…or lack of it….her
nickname….stupid bitch….her fists clenched at her
sides…no more…tears began to flow….the lump in
her throat now obvious…the nausea….almost
overwhelming…

She tried to sit…..look around her…..the
surroundings she had created for herself….the life
she had found for herself….for a moment she
smiled…she had come far….finding a world of
contentment within herself…she had found
freedom….a voice….constantly moving forward
realizing how beautiful life really is….being
blessed as a mother…her heart filled with that
love….yes…for a moment she smiled….she had come
far….

Yet….there was something….missing…something yet
she had not overcome…she knew what it was yet she
chose to avoid it….work around it…fill her world
with everything and become her own without it…yet
today….something….something…..she needed to do
something today….felt it…wanted it…something she
knew…..her fear…her doubts….. crippled
her….surrounding her…..so again she paced….so
unsure of her direction…lost as she had never really
known….never really wanted to know….and like a
caged animal….she needed to escape this overwhelming
feeling….

The beach….her place….her peaceful place…..her
safe place…..feel the sand between her toes…..the
water softly lapping at her feet….the wind in her
hair….the sun on her skin….her favorite
place….watching the horizon stretch forever….she
could walk….throw her arms out….scream even if she
wanted…no walls to close in on her…

She walked forever this day….tension beginning to
leave….replaced with sadness that she lacked the
strength to find direction…frustration that she
could not erase the doubts….then she looked up
ahead….for a moment there in the cove….a
flash….a reflection of light in the darkness…it
got her attention…her curiosity….what could that
be…catching her eye….it pulled at her…she had to
look…even though she usually avoided the cove…it
was way too dark…she found herself heading right to
it….she had to know….it flashed its beauty
again….and this time…she could not look
away….not until she knew what it was…so even
closer she went….heading now…slowly into the
darkness…

She stopped right inside…gathering her
bearings…attempting to focus…feeling along the
rock wall towards the spot she knew she had seen the
spark of light….she saw the tide beginning to come
in….water entering the cove….maybe she should
hurry or surely it would be lost….the walls closed
in and she got down on her knees…now crawling to
find what she was seeking…she stopped a moment to
glance around….assuring herself no one was
watching….how foolish she must look groping around
in the dark….the water began to rise around
her….her hands becoming more
frantic….searching…..reaching…..a sense of
slight panic rose in her throat…this need….she had
to find it….somehow it seemed to be so important to
her now….to know…she had to know…she began to
cry….yet again this day….please….I have to know
she thought to herself….but it was being covered
with water….she sat back and began to sob….she was
going to give up….it was gone….and she had missed
the chance to grab it…

Suddenly she felt warm breath on the back of her
neck….a warm hand covering hers….she jumped
slightly at his touch….a voice as warm and soft and
somehow comforting….telling her softly….dont be
afraid…let me help you find it….together their
hands went beneath the water….moving small
rocks….until yes…her fingers felt it…she felt
herself laugh…a deep laugh of pure joy…he laughed
too…more at her than anything else…she didnt
care…he had helped her find it….she looked at him
for a moment and they shared a
smile….genuine….true….and then he washed the
round object and handed it her….and then she saw
it…for what it really was…

It was old like it had been around for some time…it
had some rough spots on it….and in the
center….there was a small piece missing…but
otherwise it was the most beautiful gold compact she
had ever seen…unique…different than any she had
ever seen…still shining despite being in the dark
for who knows how long …she rubbed her fingers over
and over it….she looked at him….smiled
again….any other day she would have jumped up and
run from a strange man in the dark…but somehow she
felt comfortable seated next to him….open it he said
to her…she looked at him…because suddenly she
realized what she really had found…tears again now
flowed down her cheeks…open it again she heard
him….but she already knew what was in it…did she
really have to look?…then so softly she heard
him….dont be afraid….and for a minute their eyes
met….and for just a moment she could have sworn the
gold from the compact seemed reflected in his
eyes….and with her fingertips tracing over and over
the top….she opened it…almost expecting it to be
broken inside…but then much to her surprise….she
saw herself….looking back at her…not broken at
all…she giggled and heard his low laugh….see how
simple that was….and then his hand reached for
hers….she stared at it…then at him again…

Lets go….yes…they needed to go….the water was
rising now all around them….he helped her up… his
hand holding hers….she didnt pull back…because
suddenly it seemed like everything seemed to be in
place…her mind had stopped…..her
thoughts….gone…even if for a little while….she
smiled and walked with him toward the opening of the
cove…one hand gripping tightly to her
“discovery”….the other hand….held tightly to
his….and together…they left the darkness and
headed out towards the sunlight…and when she felt it
touch her skin…nothing had ever felt warmer….

*smiles*….I lost my compact today….anyone seen
it?…

Hugs and kisses

Ashes

There have been several turning points in my life…from  becoming a mother…to losing those I love…and then discovering true love…for the very first time…smiling

I dont believe I would have found my honey…if I had not let go and found a bit of myself first…even though the discovery of love and life continues every day…it was that period in my life when suddenly I realized who I was…what I wanted…what made me who I am and how to find peace that changed the course of my life…and allowed me to open myself up…to a love that will last the rest of my life here on this earth…lol…sound so profound doesnt it?…

Anyways…been finding some poetry…some of my own writing…and some of the music that helped me during that time…those things that  touched me…that inspired me…so once in awhile when I am sitting and feeling lucky to have such a wonderful man in my life…lol…I will remember where I came from…and how I got here…and I will smile that somehow…we found each other…

So…on with a poem…I found in old email tonight…how I remember letting go of past mistakes and feelings…like ashes of an old fire…floating away in the air on a breeze…until they are gone…ok…babbling…

ASHES
© By Judy A. Jones

There is a long road ahead of me
In this life,

But still, I’m aware
That the road behind me extends

Far longer.
There are times in our lives

When we take stock of those things
Which shaped us;

Those things which we allowed
To create us.

I am such a crossroads.
I don’t like to admit it

But I still feel so much discomfort
In my Heart

For things that seem to be so far behind me.
I’ve grown weary of trying

And still, I try.
I’ve grown tired of the distance

And still, I reach out my hand.
I’ve grown fatigued at the cold

And so,
I put on my warmest sweater

And I trudge forward through the deepest snows.
Is it ego alone that brings me to this place?

And what of the other things
That life has offered up?

Do I face the challenge undaunted?
I think so.

There is a great purpose
In the knowing that I have found.

Still,
I am left with the ashes.

Those scattered reminders
Of the fire that once burnt so deeply

In my Heart.
Now where is it that I should

Scatter those embers?
Or do I just sit in them,

Roll in them,
And laugh all the while?

A lesson learned

This is for my baby…I thought I might just do some journal like entries to save for you my baby…memories of days we shared…

I watched you with pride this evening. I cried as I always do when you achieve something.  I watched you learn something this evening and that lesson reminded me of the many things I have yet to learn. I learn so much from you along the way. You remind me what is important…what we should all strive for…what makes our hearts beat…you are the reason I wake up each day…just to hear your laugh and see you smile…

Anyways…mommy is babbling…sometimes I feel guilty and blame myself for possibly holding you back physically from becoming maybe as strong and flexible and limber as others your age. When you broke your arm…when you were 2 1/2 at your dads house…it killed me inside…watching your baby scream in pain…I never wanted you to hurt that way again…so I became so protective…when you climbed too high…or wanted to jump from too far…I would grab you…catch you…stop you…and now I see maybe I should have let you do those things…so you would be braver…so you could do them without fear…maybe I should have…

This second year of gymnastics for you has been a challenge…the first year you got to experience the different equipment…but there was no real skill expected of you…but this year..ribbons are awarded for skills achieved…the last 2 weeks you have watched the others…not all of the other girls get all of the ribbons…but most have gotten one or two or more…and you try…and you will get to that point as your skills develop…but for now…you watch some of the others get their ribbons each week and you sit…I  have wanted to protect this hurt I think you feel inside…I have asked you if you wish to step down to a more easier class…you have said NO…I want to learn it…what can I do to get better Mommy??…it will take practice I tell you…stick with it…dont give up…its like reading a book…some will learn to read quicker than others…doesnt mean  you wont learn…may just take you a bit longer…so you have returned each week to gymnastics….you still enjoy it…you still try so hard…and then tonight…

I watched your instructor Melissa…handing out turquoise ribbons…she came close to you and your hand reached up…but she handed it to the child behind you….for a second my heart dropped seeing your face….your hands returning to your lap to once again just watch as others achieved what you kept trying to achieve…then Melissa reached down to you…and handed you a turquoise ribbon…my eyes immediately teared up as your eyes met mine…as they always do when you do something wonderful…you smiled and flashed me that ribbon like you had just won the best prize in the world…and my heart overflowed….with love…and pride…and happiness for you..

Today was not about so much getting that ribbon….which you went home and proudly displayed on your bulletin board….with a note you made saying “My firts gimnastic ribin”…it wasnt the ribbon baby….that made your mommy proud of you today….it was you…not giving up…not running and being afraid anymore…not feeling left out…it was your heart…that stayed in there…that kept trying….for more…your perseverence and want of something you knew you could achieve…if you kept reaching…yes…the ribbon was beautiful….but you were even more so…

For me…it reminds me tonight…we will never be given a  bushel of apples to just sit and enjoy on a summer day….but if we climb that ladder…one step at a time and reach up for the one apple we really want…and we reach and reach until it is in our grasp…it is then we enjoy the taste of it even more…

A lesson learned….

Portrait of a Friend

I can’t give solutions to all of life’s problems, doubts, or fears.
But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.

I can’t change your past with all it’s heartache and pain,
nor the future with it’s untold stories. But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can’t keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happinesses are not mine;
yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you, and help you when you ask.

I can’t prevent you from falling away from friendship,
from your values, from me.
I can only pray for you, talk to you and wait for you.

I can’t give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
but I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself.

I can’t keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
but I can cry with you
and help you pick up the pieces and put them back in place.

I can’t tell you who you are.
I can only love you and be your friend.

~Author Unknown~

Possibilities

 

“If you only look at what is, you might never attain what could be…” Author Unknown

“Courage is the power to let go of the familiar.” Author unknown.

Seems like some days…I want to run down that road… see what is around the bend…its exciting…its beautiful…and I cant wait…I am not afraid…

Some days…I wish I could turn around…I am afraid of what is ahead…maybe I could go back to the beginning…begin again…but I know that is not a possibility…

Then some days….like today…I think I just want to sit on that bench…let the sun warm my cheeks….look around at the beauty around me…no fears…no expectations…no demands…

And just …..be….

 

At A Loss

Today was an odd day for me…. one of memories… then one of worry and contemplation…

Thirty years ago… when I was 16…my father died today… my parents divorced when I was 12 and I lived with my dad… when he passed it was only the two of us..he was a perfectionist… a demanding father…he only told me he loved me once…but in the end…I knew he did… I remember only the best things about him….about our times together… am I a worrier today because of him?? do I get anxious if things are not going as planned?? are these traits that I have as an adult… a result of his influence? Maybe… but I loved him all the same… and I am learning to deal with my own imperfections and I am realizing… to go with the flow and accept life and its challenges… am finally finding my peace with it all… but then today… I got faced with another challenge.. one of many I will have as a mother myself.. one of many that I will be unsure of my reaction… the worrier… resurfaced…

She has always been off the growth charts in height and weight…ever since she was born…taller and bigger than others her age… she has always had this little girls belly…always…but in no way…not in any way is my baby fat…but at the age of 6… it is an issue… one that shocked me… age 6? but yes… it actually started in kindergarten last year… hanging off the monkey bars another child called my daughter “fatty” … she cried at night about herself… I supported her and comforted her… I explained that maybe instead of holding on to clothes that she loved forever and ever and she would wear even after she outgrew them…maybe it was time to let those go… we bought more better fitting clothes…  but I would watch her… in the bathroom mirror hold her arms above her head…making sure her belly was not going to show… if it did… she would change clothes… she would not wear a two piece bathing suit this summer… she always felt she needed to keep her belly covered… and my heart broke… but it seemed the thoughts were beginning to go away… I thought..

She takes gymnastics and this year decided to take dance… hip hop dancing actually… she loves them both… but to perform in a production of “The Nutcracker”..she will need to be in ballet…and she wants that… for the first time…I saw determination…something she really wanted began to show on her face… there were 2 different ballet classes to visit and try…then decide which one she would like to join…but..

Monday…she came home…her usual happy self… but then that night…she told me a boy had called her “fatty” on the playground again… we discussed the incident… again on the monkey bars… I tried to laugh it off with her… everyone shows their bellies sometimes on the monkey bars… and in no way is she fat… our week continued… she tried one ballet class on Thursday…she seemed to like it…she was laughing…enjoying… but before a final decison…she wanted to try the Saturday class…then decide…

We lay together on the couch tonight… snuggling before I had to get ready to come to work… she told me she had decided not to do ballet… I became puzzled…questioned… are you sure?? you know you wont be able to perform in “The Nutcracker” if you dont…but ok…if thats really what you want…I cant make you…but I questioned…would she tell me why?? Why had she changed her mind…?? She said your hand is resting on the reason Mommy…my hand was on her belly…I felt my heart break…how could this little child feel this way about herself…give up something that I know she wants in her heart…why give it up for this vision she has of herself…and how can I, as her mother, change this picture she has of herself…how can I do it without making her believe she is overweight… or that she needs to do something… how could I help her? I need answers… I hugged her… told her that she should not give up things based on her own picture she has of herself…that she doesnt see what I see or what others see…she asked me what I saw…like she didnt know…I see a beautiful child…one that maybe is growing faster than other girls her age…but growing faster and being taller does NOT make  you fat baby… and dont give up on things you want in your heart simply because you believe you look bad in your leotards… that is such a bad reason… and frankly…I told her if she didnt like her belly…quit watching tv and do something about it… your stomach is muscles and if you do exercises that work those stomach muscles…they will become tighter… I pointed out some of the things she does at hip hop…gymnastics…things that work those muscles already… things she could continue to do to strengthen herself there… I asked if she would like me to work out too…we used to do that together when she was 3 and 4…maybe we could do it again…but did I do the right thing?? By telling her to exercise…was I letting her think she was overweight and needed to do it?? I dont know… my heart breaks… and I dont know the answers… I just want her to be happy with herself.. with her life… with her appearance…

I have sat here tonight at work… reading articles… on children… their behavior… their emotions… how to boost their self esteem… and I still cant believe… at age 6… this is an issue… what is this world becoming… that we pressure our children… children are always and have always been cruel… but do we as parents fuel this behavior?? how do we stop it?? or can we??

Read a Time magazine article on children and obesity and it said one of the biggest problems is the parents… they dont even see their child as having a weight problem so they dont address it… I wondered if that was me… was she overweight and I just didnt want to face the reality??  I dont know… it was one of those days… no matter how much thought I put into anything around me… I was just…

At A Loss…

If I am missing something…. someone please tell me… all I see… is a beautiful child… with a beautiful heart..

The Beginning

I begin today…. somewhere new…. with only my thoughts…. maybe to share one day…. maybe not…

I begin happy…. thoughtful…. wanting…. yet afraid….

I begin knowing where I wish to go….. yet unsure of the path to take…

Most of all….I wil begin…. one step… one breath… one word… at a time…