Believe

Close your eyes for just a moment….remember…when you were a kid and still believed in Santa Clause….remember the excitement…the wonder and amazement at all the lights….the sounds of laughter in your home…the smell of food cooking in the kitchen…the singing of Christmas carols…the love…it was magical wasnt it?

The first magical thing I believed in was probably Christmas and Santa Clause…as we grow older and we find that Santa really doesnt exist….why does that seem to take away from the magic of it all?  Why does that happen with everything that we find magical….we discover with time….its not as it appears so we tuck it away….and we lose sight…of what it really was that brought us joy in the first place….

I have watched several times “The Polar Express” with my daughter…a movie about a boy who had decided not to believe anymore…and his journey…to finding the magical place within his heart once again…When the conductor, Tom Hanks, said to him and I cant remember the exact words…although I should with as many times as I have watched it…but he said something like….”It matters not where the train is going….what matters is your choice to decide to get on…”

We get busy….we dont have enough money….we work…we forget…

I dont…I love Christmas…probably my favorite time of the entire year…I love the lights…the music…the chance to give to those I love…something to light up their face and know I was thinking of them only when I chose it…the chance to give to those less fortunate…making my own heart smile at the thought of maybe the smile I gave away…although Santa has long been put away in my mind…this is my time to keep the magic of him alive…for many reasons…

Yes…my daughter is one…this year has been wonderful with her…she is old enough to help alot more and we have had a blast…singing…decorating…shopping….wrapping…a joy in itself…our tradition with ourselves will be to bake cookies together we will leave out for Santa…*smiles*…

My father…oh how that man loved Christmas….he would decorate every room in our home…even the bathroom had garland on the windows…he would have the Christmas tunes on the stereo….for weeks…lol….and every year…he would order this huge tray of deli meats and cheeses from our local deli….all these breads…make a huge punch bowl of punch…we would bake for days in the kitchen making cookies and pies…and he would come in from the liquor store w/ cases of alcohol….it was the one time of year he would allow us the taste….me w/ wine…my sister….gin…the other sister…champagne…my brother….beer…and then on Christmas Eve…my house would fill….family friends of years past would arrive….neighbors…friends from his job stopping by….people in and out all evening…the laughter and music would fill my home…my father was never an affectionate man….but gosh how he would smile on these occasions…I never forget that…

I have always tried to keep that alive…funny how lives change sometimes and things change…distance w/ families….my life changed w/ my daughter and my time became more limited….and then my niece was killed…and somehow the past few years it has not been the same…it seems like just another day we try to get through and move on….this will be our fourth Christmas without her….it just seems to be a hill my family smiles and tries…we just yet cant seem to get over that hill…but that is not what this blog is about….

Sorry for my rambling..lol…my memories flood back to me at times like these…I guess I just want to express….the magic that we call Christmas…doesnt have to go away because we become older and disenchanted with it…although the presents were great when we were smaller…I dont remember them now….not really…the only one I remember is this doll named Chrissy that had long red hair…and it would grow out of the top of her head…lol….anyways…besides that doll…its not what I remember….I remember…being with the ones I love…singing…baking…laughing….walking around the neighborhood caroling the neighbors…going to nursing homes and singing for them….the church programs…and most of all….the love I felt…for all those around me…

Wouldnt it be wonderful to remember this magic…..all the time…to apply it to our lives….I know I say it all the time….I am a dreamer….I believe in dreams…the magic of them….I watch people around me give up and I just want to say hey…why? I believe in love….and again I watch people become bitter and treat others like crap and give up…again I ask why? I believe in everyone…that there is good in all….hidden behind walls they have built…and I watch as they turn away from those in need and I ask why?

Before I ramble on to eternity….I hope all of you my friends….feel the magic that is Christmas….find the joy….remember those in need…or sick…or the troops who fight for our freedoms…

Believe in the Magic…of this season…of yourself…of your dreams…and open your hearts….you will feel it if you allow it….

As Tom Hanks said in the movie….just decide to get on the train…*smiles*

Hugs and kisses….and I share with you this song from “The Polar Express”…..of course its called….BELIEVE

Children, sleeping.
Snow is softly falling.
Dreams are calling,
Like bells in the distance.
We were dreamers,
Not so long ago.
But one by one, we
All had to grow up.

When it seems the magic slipped away…
We find it all again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that’s playing.
There’s no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
Give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just believe.

Trains move quickly
To their journey’s end.
Destinations…
Are where we begin again.
Ships go sailing,
Far across the sea.
Trusting starlight,
To get where they need to be.

When it seems that we have lost our way…
We find ourselves again on Christmas Day.

Believe in what your heart is saying,
Hear the melody that’s playing
There’s no time to waste,
There so much to celebrate.
Believe in what you feel inside,
And give your dreams the wings to fly.
You have everything you need, if you just Believe.

If you just believe.
If you just believe.
If you just believe…just believe…just believe.

Deeper

Do you ever stand at the water’s edge….looking out at its beauty…wanting so badly to feel it wash over you…..over your body….your mind…letting yourself go with the flow of it so to speak…..you may even dip your toes in to test it…deciding for yourself what to do next…..maybe perhaps even looking around to see how others react….before finding the answer in yourself….

Some may prefer to sit on the shore…..just watching others enjoy it….observing their reactions….maybe feeling inside like they wished they had the courage to venture out but afraid for one reason or another….so they prefer just to avoid it….

Some may take off towards it at full force….excited and exhilerated at throwing themselves headfirst into it….unafraid….adventurous….then when the initial joy of it has worn off…they find they are in over their head….or the waves which at first seemed exciting….now tosses them back to the shore….or leaves them flat on their ass….out of breath and tired from the experience….do they get back up and run in again? Unafraid once again to just jump in and see what happens the next time? Or do they rest a bit….catch their breath….maybe move out into the water slower the next time….ready to brace themselves against being tossed on their ass….again….??

I find myself today….reflective….thoughtful…..and yes….even hopeful….I love water….everyone knows that….its sensual….romantic…..passionate….and yes….at times it can be frightening when it wishes to rage….and yet it draws me….my heart cant seem to help being drawn to it…..

My skin is hot….my heart races as I cant wait to step into it….yet I move slow….I want to feel every drop of it if I can as it touches my skin….I wade in with my eyes wide open…..my fingertips out….letting my toes feel the ground underneath….assuring my footing…..making sure it is solid before I take the next step….hearing the sigh of enjoyment escape my lips as the water begins to cover me….the heat from my skin flowing out into it being replaced w/ such an extremely wonderful feeling…..like a long drawn out exquisite orgasm…..drawing my last breath in sheer ecstasy….the water draws me deeper….and deeper….I look to the sky and feel the warmth of my surroundings still coming down on me yet…the water….pulling me….drawing me…..deeper into it….drenching me w/ its flow….surrounding me with its essence…..and never have I felt this wonderful in my life…..and I am not afraid….I smile even….I splash it around….I swim in it….I become comfortable in it…..then I look ahead of me….out into the blue…..where it seems it will go forever…..touching the sky…

It is always here that I stop…..tilting my head as I contemplate my own personal next move….this is usually where I smile…..having refreshed myself in the waters comfort….and I turn and get out….having had enough for the day until I need it again….not wanting to venture out further over my head…I see the waves out there in the deep….starting small and then growing larger….I am not ready for those….or am I? I giggle even…thinking about landing on my ass….but then today….maybe I feel courage building up inside….maybe now….I am strong enough…maybe…the experience will blow me away even more than just standing here in the comfortable flow….maybe?

I look back at the safety of the shore….I see the ones that have decided to sit there…I see their faces….their longing…..I look out at the ones already in the deep….some are scared….but they dont give up….they keep going…and there in the distance….the ones way out who have ventured past even the largest of the waves….I see their faces….content….happy…

So my point? As wonderful as I feel today….standing….wet….enjoying the point I have reached…..I think today….

I am going to go……DEEPER…..

Anyone want to join me?….*smiles*

Just some “deep” thoughts this morning

6/2007 (something I had written a while ago…a reminder to myself…to just keep swimming…hehehe)

Six Years Deep

Just a little blog for my baby…some memories…

Her words make me laugh….they make me cry….they make me proud…they make me look at her in amazement….they make me happy….and then sometimes….I look at her and my jaw drops…and I wonder….where does she get it???

When she has to go to her dads and he hurts her feelings…she goes to her room there to cry or reflect…she told me…she talks to my Carrie…my niece who was killed….I said you do?? yea she says…and if I dont think Carrie is there…I leave a message with God to give to her….I smiled and my body got warm all over…

This past weekend…after returning home from family visits…nothing scary had happened on our trip…no scary movies watched….but as we lie together in bed she says mommy….can I tell you something….if a burglar broke into our house and I had to choose between you or me to live….I would choose you Mommy because I love you so much…

That one hit me by surprise…what?? what did you say??? oh baby dont  you know you never have to worry about that…and she repeated it saying…what if it did?? I would want you to live Mommy….

My daughter basically conveying that she would die for me…I cried in the dark not letting her know how deeply that affected me…I held her face and told her to not ever think of those things…it would never happen…and if by some chance it did…I would want her to live…I am old and have lived my life…she still has much to experience and learn…and I held her tight knowing in my heart…there is no greater or more true love than the love you have for your child…

but then….lol…watching a movie I reached for the remote on the floor and smacked the side of my head right on the corner of the nightstand….I wailed out in pain….she cried…afraid I was hurt…ouch…

The next day combing my hair….I said oh my gosh my head is sore….feels bruised where I had hit it….there went my daughter flitting by and with a wave of her hand….looked back at me and said…

Oh…you will live….