Untouched

There are so many things written about it…..so many things it can do…..so many ways it can describe our feelings or be described….the list is endless…..and as I touch my chest and feel it….deep inside me….I think about it….

It is known to be the symbol of Love….it can be given freely not only to the one you love….but to your children….to your family and friends….even to those you reach out to across the miles never seeing their faces….but you give it anyway to ease their pain…..or to charities and benefits to help many for a cause or a belief that you hold dear….amazing how it can give….

It can be called happy…..warm…..kind…..generous

Yet, it can also be sad……lonely…..broken…..and shattered

It can be filled…..from candy….to joy….to forgiving….to loving

It can be one of gold…..or some may say it is black…..or some may even get a purple one for courage and bravery

It can race….jump right out of your chest….be a wild one

It can be open…..or it can be closed and surrounded by walls for protection

It can be passionate…..or it can be cold

It can be hard…..or it can be soft

It can be strong…..or also….frail

It can be whole…..and yet it can be empty

It can be free…..or it can be possessed

You can wear it on your sleeve….or it could be hidden

It can hurt…..even bleed

It can be honest….yet some can call it cheating

And one of my favorite quotes is from Helen Keller….

” The best and most beautiful things in this world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt…..with the heart.”

I think about mine when my hand rests there….it is my life force….pumping life throughout my entire being….

It has seen many things…..felt even more….such an amazing journey we have traveled so far….for such a small piece of our anatomy….it seems it can be limitless to what it can do…..and then when I think of my own….I realize something about it….

As far as it has been….it still has far to go….as small as it is….it still can only grow….for there is so much of it…that is yet

Unchartered…

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Untamed….

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Untouched…….

A Grain of Sand

A grain of sand…..just like any other…..living its existence alone….the wind blowing it about aimlessly….landing and spending its days without purpose….merely flowing about through time…but once it collects and gathers with others like itself….give it rain….water….it molds itself….pulls itself together with the others….and over time….through the rough weather and the heat of the sun….it hardens….becoming merely a stone….no longer able to blow with the wind….not wanting to….now living its existence in the comfort of its surroundings…..content to spend its time becoming even harder…..the elements of weather sometimes taking pieces of it….but it remains solid….until one day….

A stone carver happened upon the stone….picking it up in his hands…he saw something….something that maybe no other saw….something within it….he put it in his pocket with care….took it home….and with patience and time….the hard edges began to mold….with precision and love….its inner shape began to form….many hours he spent…polishing it….caring for it….and one day….he held it up and smiled….it was no longer a rock aging with time….alone outside….but now it shone….a brilliant shine….light reflecting off of its beauty…..its shape….now in the form of a small heart….and in seeing what he helped to form….he held it close to him….almost feeling it beat beneath his fingers….knowing it would stay with him for all time….

Maybe all of us in our lives at some point are like grains of sand…merely blowing in the wind with no purpose….

Or perhaps we find ourselves in a place like a stone….finding comfort in our stable surroundings….yet aging and surviving the elements of our lives…hardening ourselves as we do….

But what a wonder it is to be found….and loved…and letting ourselves open up to what is found in all of us….what can be formed with patience and time….a heart that shines in the light….

From a mere grain of sand……

I held a stone heart in my hand recently….it sparkled….felt cool and smooth in my fingers….I thought about the life of it….who spent the time creating it…..and then I looked at my friends…..and smiled….and my heart beat louder than ever…..and life….was good….beautiful….and I felt thankful….for something as simple….

as a grain of sand…..*smiles*

Memories of a Weekend

For my baby….who seems to always make my heart smile…

After a Friday night with friends….dinner and celebrating Christmas beneath the largest indoor Christmas tree I have ever seen…it seemed the good feelings this weekend never ended…

No traveling….no activities to attend….just relaxing at home…and finding homes for new toys and new things…

We played….games…

We drew and painted…

We made cupcakes with her new cupcake maker and laughed til we cried when frosting went flying around the kitchen…her eyes for a moment with tears thinking oh no…what a mess…until I laughed at splatters of pink on my counter…then we spinned it around again…

We set up her tent in the living room….playing cards inside…pretending to be on an expedition in the jungle…playing babies…trying to camp out in there Saturday night only to find mommy with aching back escaping…lol

We made lunch together…fried bologna so she could smack down the rising middle as it heated….again laughing…

We sang karoake….

We used her bionic eye to laugh again at our skin…..hair….tongues….magnified to life on the television….

We played in aquasand….forming something of no real shape under water….but when you dip it out…it is dry…simply colored sand…magical…

Like my weekend….reminding me…sometimes….life is magical….simple…and full of laughter…and even my Dallas Cowboys mangaged to win in playoff game…more magic…lol

And when I layed down with her last night….asking what was her favorite part….we reminisced over everything…and her answer…simple….

Everything…

 

 

A Day of Reflection

I guess we all have them….those days of reflection….about where we are…what we have done…what we should do next…

We cant go back and change things….sometimes we cant make corrections to things….sometimes we just have to move forward….and accept…

I have pondered several things the last few days….feeling sad….hurt…guilty that I am so far away…

But my path brought me where I am today…and beyond the losses I have felt…I am finding happiness…it is not that I forget where I came from…I miss all of that all the time…but this is where I am now…my baby is thriving…my heart is thriving…and being closer will not heal the hurt…only time can heal some things or at least make them tolerable…

Sometimes on days I reflect….I listen to loud angry music….lets my inner scream out….

Sometimes I dance and sing….find my happy silly self….

Sometimes….I just sit and listen to silence….until my never ending thoughts drive me crazy…

Sometimes…its the piano….it eases my tension….it makes me feel like I am floating…it reminds me sometimes of my heartbeat….and reminds me I am alive…

The following has been my favorite of late…..yes….I am caught up in the Edward and Bella love story….something about feeling that way….completely….I received the whole collection of books at Christmas….it just sweeps me away…and frankly….the music is beautiful….

So…just a little listen….to my day of reflection….as the snow falls outside….as I rediscover my heartbeat….and follow it…

A Hurt You Cant Heal

I messed up over the holidays…I have sat over the last couple of days thinking of how to fix it….how to make it right….knowing….I probably can’t.

I would never hurt anyone….not intentionally….its not in my nature….now maybe if they were harming another person I might….but never…..I am the one who always tries to walk in anothers shoes….see their side….find something good in all….try to understand….and help if I can…

But…I am also honest….and sometimes my mouth….sometimes my ideas…hurts those around me…

I think I have mentioned before….about my niece….my Carrie….it will be 5 years later this month that she was killed in a car wreck on her way home….two miles from home….it devastated my family…..it devastated me….for years I never thought I could have kids….so my life rotated around my 3 nieces…then I was blessed w/ my baby right before I turned 40….even so….when my Carrie died….a part of me went with her….and an empty spot remains…

Cant even begin to say what it did to my sister….now that I have a child of my own…the thought of my own baby ever leaving my life…well…I can not even think of it….its too painful….so I know…knowing how special Carrie was…I know a little of the emptiness my sister feels….still feels…

Over the last year….my sister had been opening up….she cleared part of Carrie’s room to allow the grandkids to have a place to play….the memories although painful….we seemed to be talking of her more….allowing her memory to be a part of our every day and cherishing them….instead of tucking them away….

But I messed up….

Carrie loved Nicholas Sparks….she was reading “The Notebook” when she died….The book with a bookmark placed in her spot still lies in her room…..but me….with my great ideas….thought maybe it was time to read something that Carrie would have loved so what do I do? I buy my sister the new book from Nicholas Sparks that is out….thinking by reading it…it would keep her memory alive….

I remember seeing the pain cross her face….I knew…I had done something she wasnt ready for….when she looked at me w/ tears…I felt lower than I had ever felt….who was I to know when it was time for her….she tossed the book aside….and suffice it to say….she isnt speaking to me….

I messed up…sometimes there is hurt…that I just can’t heal…

Beginning Today

Beginning Today….

I will share something I read with you my friends which I thought was something good and inspiring to begin the New Year…and I dont really make resolutions as I often find I break them but I will share some of my own thoughts….as a new year begins…

Beginning today. . .

I will no longer worry about yesterday.
It is in the past and the past will never change.
Only I can change by choosing to do so.

Beginning today. . .

I will no longer worry about tomorrow.
Tomorrow will always be there,
Waiting for me to make the most of it.
But I cannot make the most of tomorrow
Without first making the most of today. 
 

Beginning today. . .

I will cherish each moment of my life.
I value this gift bestowed upon me in this world
I will unselfishly share this gift with others.
I will use this gift to enhance the lives of others.

Beginning today. . .

I will take a moment to step off the beaten path
And to revel in the mysteries I encounter.
I will face challenges placed before me
With courage and determination.
I will overcome the barriers that may hinder
My quest for growth and self-improvement.

Beginning today. . .

I will take life one day at a time,
One step at a time.
Discouragement will not be allowed to taint
My positive self-image, my desire to succeed
Or my capacity to love.

Beginning today. . .

I walk with renewed faith in human kindness.
Regardless of what has gone before,
I believe there is hope
For a brighter and better future.

Beginning today. . .

I will open my mind and my heart.
I will welcome new experiences.
I will meet new people.
I will not expect perfection from myself nor anyone
else,
Perfection does not exist in an imperfect world.
Rather, I will applaud the attempt
to overcome human foibles.

Beginning today. . .

I am responsible for my own happiness
And I will do things that make me happy . . .
Admire the beautiful wonders of nature;
Listen to my favorite music;
Pet a kitten or a puppy;
Soak in a bubble bath . . .
Pleasure can be found in the most simple of gestures.

Beginning today. . .

I will learn something new;
I will try something different;
I will savor all the various flavors life has to
offer.
I will change what I can and the rest I will let go.
I will strive to become the best me I can possibly be.

And for some of my own thoughts on this New Years…

Beginning today…

I will try to be more patient…there really is no reason to rush…moments are precious and I should realize this to be true…

I will try to open my heart and become a better mother….a better daughter….a better sister….a better lover…a better friend…it really is all about the love and to share it brings me happiness….listen to my heart and quit analyzing everything…*smiles*

I plan on believing in myself and that I deserve more….its a journey of self discovery and the past will no longer haunt me and I will welcome each day….each step…each adventure and let my life unfold….naturally…taking my breath away at the excitement of it all…

I wish all of you my friends the very happiest of New Years….Thank you all again for being in my life…

Enjoy the day….Be Safe

Hugs and kisses