Just Another Day

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It really is just another day like any other really….

Except in two days…others will remind me…with their sincerest wishes for a happy one…

Its the day I entered the world…the day I gave my parents joy…

Its the day their divorce became final when I was 12….the day my father had brain surgery when I was 16….only to pass away on October 9th…

Its a day that I smile….accept the wishes and the gifts w/ appreciation

Its a day I like to stay home….wondering what other terrible thing may happen on this particular day…wanting simply to curl up and watch a movie…

Its a day I sit….think…reflect….happy for the blessings I have….sad for those I have lost…

Its nice to have birthdays….especially when your young and excited about what another year brings…

For me…I feel old….tired..

Ready to sleep…

It really is…

Just another day..

An Acquaintance

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Acquaintance—a person whom one knows who is not a particularly close friend

Friend—one attached to another by affection or esteem

I guess I need to remind myself sometimes of these differences….

Remember when you were young and you maybe hung with a crowd…you got to know new people based on who dated who or someones cousin or the friend of a friend kinda thing…maybe you did things often….maybe you spent lots of days or evenings experiencing life with these people…maybe your best friend married their best friend…you get my meaning right??

Now what if like twenty years later….you run across one of these people….maybe with social media of today like facebook….or you see them at a reunion….or maybe when you visit home, you just run into them at the mall or something…

I would be so happy to see some of those people again….I would want to pull up a chair or start a fire and grab some beers and sit with them and talk…share their journey…meet their family through pictures or stories or in person….my heart would warm at memories of past years and I would feel warm towards them now…

But I guess sometimes…..I have to remember that maybe even back then….20 years ago….maybe they didnt want to know me….besides just the social get togethers…and its possible that now….20 years later…they still dont…besides the smile and the oh hey…how ya doing…where you at….nice to see you bye thing….thats all they desire….maybe their hearts dont warm at the memories at all….I guess I have to remind myself of these things…kinda makes me sad….I will always feel warm towards them regardless…I love all my memories…they have made me who I am today…

So I have to step back….let it go….they didnt want to really get to know me then….and they dont want to really wish to know who I am now so I have to be ok with that….remind myself….that maybe they never were a friend…

They were and are merely…

An acquaintance..

Renewal

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We stay quiet too long sometimes….hoping the things will pass….go away…

We dont want to admit that maybe….our thoughts go to places that we feel sad…lonely…out of place….

We smile on the outside….our lives are happy….and we believe that….

but sometimes….even for a brief moment in time….we are tired….maybe angry….perhaps sad or lost….and we must find that peace again in our heart and minds…sometimes we must find it ourselves…sometimes others help us….

for me….its inside of me….my quiet place….where no one can enter….I must find it for myself….

then I am renewed again….

Smiles….a hot bath in candlelight helps too…

10

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Double digit year…..can’t hardly believe it….had it really been 10 years ago she entered my life…

She is growing so fast….so beautiful…inside and out…we went on vacation this year during her birthday (which was July 9th)….Mackinac Island…where there are no cars…only your feet…bikes and horses….it was fun…relaxing…we even took the puppies…took them out to dinner with us on her birthday….but then…when we returned home….that next weekend…

She got to choose two friends to go….off towards Chicago we went….just west of there in an outdoor ampitheatre….we waited….we laughed….then…the screaming of girls began…

One Direction in concert….my present to her….my double digit girl….few hours later after screaming…jumping….singing and dancing….3 tired girls passed out….ok 4…I passed out too….

Memories of 10…

Summer 2013

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May went by so quickly….horse shows and recitals and end of school….but now….summer….

I have a love-hate relationship with summer these days…..she is gone so much to her dads which I hate….but when she is home and we enjoy the warm days….I love it..

We have vacation coming up after the 4th….and on the 9th of July….she will be 10….I cant believe my baby….double digits….10…

I am taking two friends with her to see One Direction outside of Chicago….they are so excited…planning on their outfits already…I find myself excited too….remembering wayyyy back when to my first concert…to experience it with my daughter…well…its just an amazing feeling when sharing something with a loved one….it really is…

So….a busy summer….horse camps and swimming and birthdays and concerts….vacation on Mackinac Island where the only transportation is by bike or horseback or horse drawn carriages….we are taking the puppies so oh my….what a fun time…lol

I watched a movie recently….I thought it would be a silly movie but watched it anyway….I ended up crying like a baby at the end of it….along with several times throughout it also…

the movie was What to Expect When Your Expecting….and one of the mothers….had all the problems of pregnancy…the gas…the backache…the nasty….she said she kept waiting to feel that glow….that glow women speak about when they are pregnant and that people comment on seeing in their faces….she had to have a C-section in the end…then she lost a bit of blood and almost died….but when she opened her eyes and held her little baby boy….she said to her husband…what a beautiful experience….she had finally found her glow….her perfect little glow in her arms…omg…I cried…

Makes me feel blessed….I too have a glow….even when its difficult….busy…overwhelming…every time I see her smile…I feel it tug inside of me….she is my glow…

So I raise my glass to Summer 2013….my glow will be 10….may all your dreams come true too….

MIRACLES

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In light of the events of the past week in Boston, today was a day I needed to lift my spirits and remind me of the blessings that still surround us…

I went to a baby shower….a friend of mine I used to work with until she left to another place….I have missed her…seeing her today for the first time in person….the life inside of her….the smile and glow on her face….the laughter of all around me celebrating life…the little baby cousin of hers….only 2 months old which I of course held for a bit….the feel of his little fingers….the smell of him…my heart just filled today with warmth….

Never knowing when things will leave us….or when our lives will change forever with loss…we really need to take each day like today and remember our blessings….remember life is a miracle
in itself….find warmth and love in our hearts….

My daughter wasnt with me today….she was at the barn of course…learning how to play polo….but when we both got home….I hugged her….felt blessed that I had been given the opportunity to experience this miracle called motherhood…

To my friend Pam and the soon to be arriving Henry Francis….thank you for today….may the blessing of happiness and life shine on you both…

In a world of sorrow…I am thankful for the little miracles….those little miracles of life….so precious

Stress

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So many things I want to say to him….I have written a huge email to him….addressing yet again….issues…things he never hears…never changes…

I held you tonight as you cried….not wanting to go….what am I to do? The court says you must….sometimes I am afraid to challenge it….afraid they will take you away even more….but I hate when you have to go….your so sad…and I cant make it better….I try…but the pain is there….

Should I address things yet again…you ask me not to on some things….afraid of the consequence of the words….but I think he needs to know…but your right….even if he knows…he wont change…

So we just held each other….knowing tomorrow you must go….

Sometimes dads suck…

Boys on the Wall

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Well….it has happened….age 9….you officially put boys on the wall….the new poster of One Direction….there above your bed….I stared a few moments…between the horse posters…the puppy posters…the boys now….we laughed about it…the one in green named Liam being your favorite….how in just a few short weeks I will be scrambling to get the tickets….taking you and two friends to their concert in July for your 10th birthday….but for now…I walk into your room…and I see them…

Boys on the Wall…

First Fall

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I made this blog private tonight….I just want to write for awhile to my daughter….things one day she can read and remember….like just last Tuesday….February 12th, 2013

 

Two and a half years she has ridden….sometimes the ride is bouncy…sometimes a bit scary….at least for mom….but she has always had or found the perfect balance…to stay in step….to hold on to whatever happens…

That night was different..I seemed to even feel it….she kept adjusting her foot in her stirrups…things just seemed off….but there she was…posting trotting around the arena…then in a flash of a moment…Klondike seemed to perhaps trip?? his head went down and she in her upright posting position….went tumbling forward….heading to the ground…

Sometimes as a parent we seem in slow motion….we want to be there so fast…to reach out and catch them…but its just too late…they have to hit sometimes I guess….but gosh…she hit so hard…the tears filled her eyes….covered in dirt….nothing broken….no blood….

so she gets up….after being checked out by the owner who came over to see her…I watched with nervous admiration….my daughter…pick up the reins and walk it out with her horse….tears flowing down her cheeks…but picking up and moving forward….slower…wiser perhaps…

then…she got back on…I had asked if she wanted to…maybe she would want a break but then there she went…back up into the saddle….she didnt pick up the pace but she walked…around several times….reforming trust with the horse….and maybe reestablishing some courage in herself??

 

I hope she goes at life this way….tearful…hurt…moving forward and doing it again….

Its something we can all hope for our children….every wonderful ride….has its ups and its…falls…

Proud mother…