A Hurt You Cant Heal

I messed up over the holidays…I have sat over the last couple of days thinking of how to fix it….how to make it right….knowing….I probably can’t.

I would never hurt anyone….not intentionally….its not in my nature….now maybe if they were harming another person I might….but never…..I am the one who always tries to walk in anothers shoes….see their side….find something good in all….try to understand….and help if I can…

But…I am also honest….and sometimes my mouth….sometimes my ideas…hurts those around me…

I think I have mentioned before….about my niece….my Carrie….it will be 5 years later this month that she was killed in a car wreck on her way home….two miles from home….it devastated my family…..it devastated me….for years I never thought I could have kids….so my life rotated around my 3 nieces…then I was blessed w/ my baby right before I turned 40….even so….when my Carrie died….a part of me went with her….and an empty spot remains…

Cant even begin to say what it did to my sister….now that I have a child of my own…the thought of my own baby ever leaving my life…well…I can not even think of it….its too painful….so I know…knowing how special Carrie was…I know a little of the emptiness my sister feels….still feels…

Over the last year….my sister had been opening up….she cleared part of Carrie’s room to allow the grandkids to have a place to play….the memories although painful….we seemed to be talking of her more….allowing her memory to be a part of our every day and cherishing them….instead of tucking them away….

But I messed up….

Carrie loved Nicholas Sparks….she was reading “The Notebook” when she died….The book with a bookmark placed in her spot still lies in her room…..but me….with my great ideas….thought maybe it was time to read something that Carrie would have loved so what do I do? I buy my sister the new book from Nicholas Sparks that is out….thinking by reading it…it would keep her memory alive….

I remember seeing the pain cross her face….I knew…I had done something she wasnt ready for….when she looked at me w/ tears…I felt lower than I had ever felt….who was I to know when it was time for her….she tossed the book aside….and suffice it to say….she isnt speaking to me….

I messed up…sometimes there is hurt…that I just can’t heal…

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